I just saw a quote I really liked. "The No. 1 reason people quit is because they look how far they've got to go, not how far they have come." It applies in life in so many ways, but my first thought was, "at least with my weight loss, I'm finally past the half way point and I really have already lost more then I have to loose now."

Week 34

Well, what a bummer of a week. But I can't make excuses. It was my fault. I didn't eat well and I didn't exercise. I blame myself.

Last week I lost almost 8 pounds, this week I gained about half of it back. :( I could make excuses, shoot I have in my head for a few days now as I've watched the scale go back up. I tried telling myself I pushed myself to hard last week and my body needed to recover from it. But the truth is, I didn't exercise. At all. I know better then that!

Hopefully this gained back fat isn't stuck too hard and I can get it right back off. Starting today I am going to do better.

So I can already tell this week is going to suck on my official weigh in day. But I'm not going to let it upset me. Hubs was actually home for several days in a row, but I wasn't prepared with food in the house, so we ate out a bit. So now I'll just have to try and do damage control for the next few days and get back down to where I was a week ago. After I eat a magic cookie bar for dinner tonight. ;) What, I'm proud of myself. I wanted to make cookies all weekend just so I could eat the dough, but I fought it off. When Josh suggested Magic Cookie Bars I went with that instead and kept just a little for myself.

I've gotten the greatest compliments lately so I need to add them for the next time I get discouraged.

I guess Josh's old boss saw me at Preston's soccer game last week. He called Josh today about something else, but then he told them that he saw me at the game taking pictures, but didn't recognize me until I started talking to Melanie. He told Josh that I have lost half of myself.

Then on Sunday I wore my pretty black dress to church. I did get lots of compliments, but the best one happened yesterday. A lady from my ward came into work to do something and she said I looked so good in my black dress, she went online the next day and bought one for her.

Things like that totally make my day. Sometimes I feel like I can't see any change. I know that's all in my head and I've heard its harder to loose the psychological fat vs. the real fat, and I believe it. But when others tell me they can see it, it makes the physiological fat go away a little bit more.

Week 33

I can finally say I've lost 50 pounds!!!! Overall, I've lost 53.60 total, 7.8 of that just in the last week. Its like my body finally got in sync with itself and got rid of all the fat cells I keep working over and over and over and over. There was days I thought it was pointless to walk on my breaks because the scale had been stuck for so LONG. But I kept hoping it would suddenly pay off and it did. :)

I also started to question my decision to quit Weight Watchers. I've only kept an overall total of weight loss, but I don't have anything that can tell me how much I've lost each week. So I started to wonder if I did loose weight quicker on Weight Watchers. But after this week, I'm ok with my decision to do this diet on my own.

I am trying to change up my walks a little. I hate that I only get 15 minutes, but I try to make the most of it. Some days I punch my arms while walking. But this week I started running certain parts of my walk. Melanie showed up at her moms last Sunday all sweating. She had walked from her house. When she got to the bottom of the last hill, she ran the rest of the way. I told her I would've come with her, so she said next Sunday. I can't run that far! But hopefully I can build up my endurance faster by running on my breaks. I don't particularly like being all sweaty when I come back in to work, but I still like it better then the fatter version of me I used to be, so I'll keep doing it. And I still run the stairs in the warehouse from time to time.

I haven't done my Biggest Loser Wii in a while, so I put it in the other night. Made me remember how much I love that work out. So I put it in the next night too, but 5 minutes into it and my ankle was in extreme pain. I'm not sure what I did to it, but for now I'm going to keep taking a break from the Wii game. I don't want to really hurt myself and then not be able to exercise at all.

I think I've finally figured out a Halloween Costume. We're both going to be scarecrows. I'm going to try and make a tutu so mine can be more feminine, but even if I don't get that done, I can wear a pair of Josh's old holey jeans. Yep, I fit into my husbands pants now.

I know I probably won't have another week as great as this. I know with Weight Watchers, they said it was normal to loose 1-2 pounds a week. So I'll just be glad for a great week that got me out of a rut and keep working to shed the little pounds at a time.

I think I want to loose about 40 more pounds, but even after loosing 50, 40 seems overwhelming, so for now my new goal is to get to 175. That's 10 pounds away. Here's to hoping I can do it by the end of the year.

I want to blog early this week because it has been such an AWESOME week. But for now, all I'm going to say is, I finally have hit the big 50 pounds lost mark! I'll blog the rest tomorrow, hopefully the scale will move that much more by then. And also, knowing that I have to report tomorrow will make me be good today so I don't screw this awesome week up.

I'm feeling slightly better this morning. The scale finally shows me under 190. Not by much, but it was what I needed to remind me why I'm doing this diet. I'm doing it so I can feel better about myself. It would have been a nice bonus to be able to find a costume this year, but I'll survive. I'm doing this diet so I can be pretty inside and out. I'm exercising so I can walk and not get out of breathe. I'm doing  so I can have more energy and be more healthy. I'm doing it so hopefully my PCOS symptoms won't be so bad.  I'm doing it so I can shop on the regular side of clothing stores. I'm doing this because for years I didn't care about my body, when I should have. It has been hard, but it has been so worth it.

I forgot to mention something in my last week update post. When talking to my doctor, I asked him what is a realistic goal to shoot for. I suddenly can't remember the mathematical way he told me, but he said for me, 145 is about average. At first, I was like "Yikes" that only puts me half way there. But that is the number I've had in the back of my head for a long time now. I was going to aim for 150, but I like to have a "cushion". Like when I was finally under 200 pounds, I didn't really count it until I was at 196 because I wanted enough distance that I knew I'd never get back above 200. So with a goal of 150, I was already thinking 145 so I could not stress about seeing 152 on the scale one morning. It probably sounds ridiculous, but that is how my mind plays it out. For another example, even thought the scale said 189.8, I won't relax until it says 186. Its just a difference of a few pounds, but to me, its a huge difference.

Ugh, I absolutely HATE my body right now. As in I never want to eat again. I wasted my entire day trying to find a Halloween costume. I started the day out so proud, I've lost almost 50 pounds, I should be able to find something. ........ I tried on costumes at 6 different stores today. SIX! Nothing fit. Usually, because my arms are to fat. At one store I tried on 4 different costumes, the worker was sweet. But she just kept pointing me to more costumes with tight sleeves. Well, except the pioneer costume. Pioneer? Why did I even bother loosing all this weight? I'm too small to fit in the plus size costumes, but too big to fit in the regular sizes. Its had me in tears all day. How is it Halloween is just about candy, yet they only makes costumes for the super skinny people.

So now I'm back to plan B. I'll just wear and apron and be a chef for Halloween. It doesn't sound near as fun, but at least the apron fits. Stupid body, I hate you.

I guess I should mention that my options are slim to begin with because just about every costume screams SLUT. If the company is called Leg Appeal, you know you aren't going to find anything in their section. And I did find one costume that was close. But it was way too long. I couldn't justify spending that much on a dress that was going to drag the ground several inches.

Maybe next year...

Week 31 and Week 32

I know I missed blogging last week. I am having a battle with my body. Some days I love it, other days I HATE it. HATE. So I didn't blog since it was a hate day for me last week.

I keep bouncing back between 291 and 294 and it is driving me nuts! I even saw 189 on the scale one day, but the next day I was back up. ARGH.  But I'm trying to not get discouraged and keep working at it.  I've hit these kind of spots before and then suddenly one day, I finally break away from that number and never see it again.

Some of the highlights over the last two weeks.

Years (and years) ago, my mother in-law bought me a nice winter coat for Christmas. It never fit well, but of course after a year or two, it didn't fit at all. Every now and then, I would think about giving it away, but it was such a nice coat, I couldn't part with it. The other day I saw it in the closet and decided to try it on. It fits!!!! Its a little tight, but I can't believe it fits.

Last week, I went in for my yearly visit. The dr. was very proud of me and all the weight I loss. The only sad part was he said congrats on loosing 30 pounds. Um, I must have gained 18 more pounds before my LAST visit, because I have now lost 48 since starting my diet. I made sure to correct him, I want credit for every single pound. (That's I've lost, not gained.)

The last thing that made me feel better(ish) was apparently I'm going to be in a local commercial. Gulp. The camera does in fact add 10 pounds, but I was so grateful I've worked so hard to loose so much. I still feel like a fatty in the commercial, but at the end it flashes a picture of all the employees and I can tell for SURE I'm a fatty in that picture because it was taken like 18 months ago. At least its not that girl in the commercial.

I had a hard time making myself walk this week on my breaks. Its because I'm so discouraged. But I know deep down that it will all pay off, so I walked anyways. I saw a poster on pinterest that says something like, "Its simple. You either do it or you don't." I've tried to make that my motto. So far its worked because I kept with it this week on my exercise. I even got up at 4 am one morning because I knew I would be home late that night.

A friend just posted a pic of herself on FB in her fat jeans and how they are way to big on her now. She has officially lost 60 pounds. I'm so happy for her. But some of the comments made me laugh. I wanted to sarcastically comment back to these people, but decided it isn't ok for me to steal my friends wall, and more importantly, her joy.

So I'll say it here. What's the secret they all ask? There is NO secret. Eat better and exercise. Yep, that is the words of wisdom to be shared. Its a lifestyle change.

To further add to those thoughts, even though the next comments weren't actually made on her wall, but they still come to mind. Don't you miss real food? Nope. I had a small pizza for dinner and enjoyed every bite. Its called moderation. In this case, less is more. The less I eat, the more weight I loose and the more healthy I become.

But exercise is so hard. Why yes, it is. Even I didn't think I had the time for it. But I have found the time. On my work breaks, I used to sit on my butt and read for 15 minutes. Now, I get outside and power walk for 15 minutes. Some days I want to be lazy and just read. But I walk anyways because I like the way I feel afterwards. I LOVE to read, don't get me wrong. But I have noticed how much healthier I feel when I exercise daily.

Which brings me to another thought I've had floating around my head lately. Today I had to run to the store for some milk. Those tricky stores, they put the Halloween candy right where you have to walk past it to get to ANYTHING. I almost caved and bought a big bag of candy. But then I realized I would have eaten the entire bag in two days. I reminded myself I didn't need that. Which leads back to the big "secret". There is no secret. Just hard work, self control and determination.

Sure its been hard. But its been worth it. I didn't pay attention to weight in high school, so I can't tell you what I weighted 10 years ago. I can't tell you what I weighted on my wedding day. But I just looked in my closet at a few of my old high school dance dresses. I can tell you I'm not very far from fitting into them again. I can NOT wait for that day.

And to quote Jillian Micheals from my Biggest Loser Challenge Wii Game, "Do you want to be skinny or not?" Yes I do!