Week 47

Ugg, well I'll start with the downer stuff. I'm back up to 181...again. I swear, I get down to like 177 and then just bounce right back up. It gets so frustrating! I really haven't minded the 170's, but now I'm starting to hate them because they are so close to the 180's!

The other frustrating part is I had my rings resized, and now they don't fit at all. I'm so mad (whether at myself of the store, I'm not sure.) Now each morning when I try to put it on, I cry because it makes me feel fat again. I can't decide what I'm going to do. I hate to go pay MORE money to have it resized again, but I hate not having it. I did get it on the very first day, but it was super tight and I haven't been able to get it on since. Well, I did one day, but then it got stuck. It took a lot of ice and soap to get it back off so I haven't tried that hard since. I can't decide if I'll loose enough more weight to make them work at this size or not. Its not like I have a lot of fat built up in my fingers. So ya, I'll probably have to just break down and take them back in. It probably is my fault, I have all that scar tissue in my finger. When I tried on their demos that size fit, but my wedding band is so much wider that it just doesn't work. Their demo one is about half as wide and didn't sit over my scar tissue, but of course my ring does so it doesn't fit.

Ok, enough depressing talk. On to the highlights from the week. I was looking at some pictures I took recently and realized I am no longer a round women. Now I am a women of curves and I love it. I love how every day (excluding the ring disaster), I feel sexy. And I love how my husband seems to notice it too. ;)

I started Pilate's the end of last week. I found a few videos on Netflix instant. The first night our Internet kept freezing up, so it was hard to get into it, but I figured at least I could learn all the basic moves and stuff. Then I did it again the next morning. The video I've been using is 30 minutes long and spend 10 minutes each on thighs, butt and abs. That morning I could feel the workout during the video, but that afternoon my abs were killing me! It took me a few hours to figure out why. I haven't done Pilate's since then but plan to get back into it.

I'm nervous with all the wedding stuff coming up. I had really hoped to be down to 175, but that has proven to be impossible. And really, that was only hoping to loose 5 pounds in a month. So I'm trying to not be depressed about that. But this morning I realized how much traveling and staying over night at hotels we will be doing. I don't want to gain weight during this wedding! Grr. Still not sure what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll just let Josh order and then pick off of his plate But I know I won't do that, I love food too much, especially eating out food.

Week 46

I'm still at 178. I'm trying to not let that bother me, and it hasn't for the most part. Except I would like to be at 175 before the wedding in 2 weeks, but I'm close.I know as a diet goes on it gets harder to loose weight. I need to step up my exercise, but just haven't. Maybe when Josh goes back to work, I'll ride my bike in the morning, and then do something at night when I get home. I really want to join Curves, but not enough to join yet. Joining would mean 2 things right now. 1) Its only like $30 a month, but is something I don't have until Josh is working full time again (hopefully next month). And 2) it would mean driving myself to work everyday I want to go to Curves, which would probably be every day so I can get my money's worth. So even if I could find the $30 a month, I can't justify that much gas, not when I can be carpooling. So maybe this spring....

I need to start toning up. I HATE my inner thighs. I don't think they have changed at all in the last 46 weeks. And my upper arms are still flappy. Add my still round stomach and those are the 3 things I want to change. I  think that is why 178 doesn't bother me. Its now no longer about numbers (at least right now). I think I could be happy in the 170's, if those other areas didn't bother me. That's why I want to join Curves, I'm hoping they can help tone me up.

I know this is my diet blog, but right now I just want to vent about my self image issues. With loosing all this weight, I feel prettier and I want to be prettier. So I've started wearing makeup. This is completely new to me. I didn't even wear make up to my own wedding. So it really is a foreign concept to me.

This morning, I was trying yet another new way to apply my eye makeup and not feel like I looked like a kid who found mom's make up. I washed it off twice before I decided the 3rd attempt was good enough. But then I was in a crabby mood which ended up with me lashing out at my sweet husband. When he asked me what was wrong, I told him "I'm resentful that I didn't have a mom who could teach me about makeup and I hate the fact that life didn't make up for it by giving me friends in high school that could make up for that fact." Yes, I know, life isn't fair. But this seems like a small favor in the whole scheme of things.

I tried looking online for tips with picture step by step instructions, but I only had like 5 minutes so I didn't get to look very hard. Maybe I'll make it a reward to get a makeover when I hit my goal. But I've had a few of those Mary Kay makeovers and haven't been impressed. Each time I have told the person I know NOTHING about makeup and at the end of it all, I still know NOTHING. I told Josh, its like they don't believe an adult can be that dumb about makeup. But I am. Its just so frustrating.

My wardrobe is so bare! I have like only 5 shirts that I wear over and over. Everything else looks icky on me with the way it hangs, So when Josh goes back to work full time, I'm adding new shirts to my growing belated birthday gift list.

This weekend I'm going shopping for a dress for the reception. I think I'll wear a gray dress I already have to the wedding, but I need a purple (or hot pink) dress for the reception. I have found a few online that I really like, but haven't dared order then online because of how my size keeps changing. I'm really excited to find a dress to show off my new figure. It just has to be long enough to cover my ugly legs and arms.

And yes Heather, I know I'm beautiful. Its just been one of those days I guess. Oh and Heather, you will be so proud, I've eaten lunch AND dinner every day for like 2 weeks now. Yes to everyone else, I'm really bad at skipping meals so I can skip the calories. But I'm working hard to not let that become a lifetime habit. I think it has helped to have the hubs home because we actually cook dinner. Most nights he has it ready when I get home, but even if he doesn't, I feel responsible to feed him so I will actually cook something rather then just feed myself cereal.

Week 45

Last week, I was back into the 180's, but wasn't too stressed about it. Today I'm back down in the 170's.

I love how good I feel about myself ALL.THE.TIME. Even on a bad hair day I feel prettier then I did in my fat days. I love how I look. I love how my clothes fit me. I just am loving my body. I'm not in love with the 170's, but at least I'm comfortable.

I'm getting ready to go to a scrapbook retreat. I'm supposed to bring my own projects, so I've been gathering pictures so I can get my scrapbook caught up. I hate my fat pictures. I just want to tear them up and not look at them. I was looking at some on my computer and a coworker saw one and said "wow, you really have lost a lot of weight." That made me cringe and hate my old body. But I decided to still scrapbook those pictures. Those are some happy times from my life and I want to forever preserve those memories, fatness and all I guess.

I'm really excited about finding a dress for Dallon's wedding. Oh, and I finally took my rings in to be resized. My wedding ring was a 10-1/2, and they are taking it down to an 8. I was going to weight until I felt like I was done loosing weight, but I finally become more worried about loosing it. I can't wait to get it back.

This could be one of those post where I ramble on and loose track, but I just have some random thoughts I want to post.

HCG. I'm totally against it. Can anyone see how it looks like repeat of phen phen. What if all these people loose all this weight, but then start having other health problems? And not just that, but I am so anti "quick fix" dieting. It sounds like you do the HCG for a few months and loose a ton of weight. But then people go off of it and gain the weight back. What's the point of that? They didn't learn anything. They didn't change any eating or other health habits. They just pumped their bodies of drugs to quickly loose weight. But then they just go back to their old habits and put the weight on. And to a lot of people talk, they put on more weight then they lost! Now when they start over they have that much more to loose.

My diet has taught me a few important things. Good things come to those who WORK for it. I would have loved to loose 60 pounds in 2 months. But 10 months later, I still have days where I fall into my old habits. Not as often, but still. When it happens, I remind myself how hard its been and I get right back on track.

Eat healthy. Its so simple. I still eat sugar and pizza and misc. junk foods. The key is I eat smaller portions and I don't eat those unhealthy foods near as often as I used too. Unless its onion rings, they remain my one true weakness. Which is odd, I don't like onions. But deep fry them in a batter and I'm a sucker for them. But even then, I only get them when I eat out, which isn't very often. So maybe like once or twice a month do I indulge in this weakness. Indulging is ok, if its a once in a while thing. Have a candy bar only once a day instead of twice a day doesn't count. Its not about giving up everything you love and never having it again. Its just about moderation. Besides, at least for me, when I only get those things every once in a while, it makes them so much better.

Exercise. Just move. That was the hardest part for me. But I would bet that if I had just changed my eating habits and not exercised at all, I wouldn't have lost near as much weight. So it has been worth it. I had to start small. And each time I changed it up, a new group of muscles hurt. Some mornings I get up at 4 AM because I know if I don't, I won't get any exercise in that day. Its ok to miss a day or two, but for me, I don't want too. I know that exercise has been the key to my weight loss.

I may have started on my diet on Weight Watchers, but that is because I needed a program to help me get on track. I choose them because they aren't a quick fix and I knew anything else wouldn't help me long term. If I hadn't of hated their website so much, I still might be on that program. But I reached the point where I felt like I could do this on my own. They seem to teach you to eat healthy and exercise. I can do that on my own. I wish I could remember how much weight I lost on WW, I think 20 or 30 pounds. So I've lost at least just as much on my own, if not more.

I guess I just don't get all those shortcut diets. You follow the program, but once you hit your goal, you drop it and go back to how you used to be. I know no one plans to put the weight back on after they loose it. No one wants to do that. But life happens and you go back to what you are comfortable with. I am the same. I DON'T want to put any weight back on. I have nightmares about it. But I just keep telling myself that this is the way I live now. I eat less and work out more. I had a hard time when I realized I will exercise the rest of my life. But that was months ago. Now my body is used to it, I can't imagine NOT exercising. I've already told Josh that even if I have to get up at 4 AM, I will exercise while on the cruise. This is my life plan. Once I reach a goal weight, I won't be dieting anymore, but I will need to maintain. To me, that means, maybe a little less exercise, but that's eat. I'll still have to eat healthy and work out regularly. LOL, I just remembered how when I started this diet, I couldn't spell exercise. Spell check caught it EACH time, but now I can spell it just fine.

Ok, moving onto a new subject.

I don't feel fat anymore. That is a recent thing. I still don't love the way I look naked, but I really like how I look dressed. I feel pretty. Some days I think I'm pretty hot. For me personally, something about getting out of the 180's makes me not feel fat anymore and I love it. 10 months ago I never thought I'd feel this way. But most days, I love my body.

Week 44

This week has been HELL! But I don't mean diet wise, at least not completely. It has just been an all around, "please just shoot me" hellish kind of week. Which has made dieting hard.

I've gotten to where I can not eat when I'm bored. But stress, bring on the food! Not that I feel like I'm piggy out, but I know I can be better. But then each day is just as bad as the day before. I love my job, but right now I hate it. I'll get over that, hopefully sooner then later. Its just been one of "those" weeks.

I've had coworkers.... K, o my hell, I can't even type ONE sentence with 3 people coming in to pay or complain on bills. Add computer problems and the system being down and not balancing at night and my stupid helpler that never helps me This week has been too much on me and I still have one more day of work this week! And yes, I know, I shouldn't blog at work. But my point is, most days are quite enough that I can write up a real quick post. But this week...just make it go away.

K, I got off track. Coworkers... oh ya. I've had a few coworkers notice that when I am super stressed/pissed, I slam my cash drawer. So I'm trying to not do that. But now I can't vent my stress so I think I'm over eating. Right now I'm pretty sure onion rings are the only thing that would help. A gallon of onion rings. But I need to get over them. I can't eat them each time I've had a hard day or I'm upset.

Yay, I get to clock out in 5 minutes! So quick sum up: I'm going to try and not pig out like I did last night. I lost weight over Thanksgiving, I didn't gain during Christmas. New Year's is my favorite so I didn't even try to use self control. I was sure I would gain 5 pounds, but I only gained one so I can live with that. It only comes once a year.

Overall, I'm up 3 pounds this week, back in the #$^&$@# 180's. But only by a little. And my size 12 pants fit so I'm trying to not let it bother me too much.

Oh, and I think my body is back on track. Which means I went 5 whole days without a period. Then my birth control pack ended and it came back. But I'm almost positive this is a real period that will end in a few days.

Hopefully I survive this week with my sanitity in tack.

Week 43

Not much to report for this week. I had an icky cold that took all of my energy so I didn't exercise as much as I would have liked to.

I cleaned out my closet this week. I went from having not enough hangers to having like 30 extra hangers (or more). I took out nearly every item that has an "x" in the size. I did hold onto a few of the essentials, like a black shirt that I like to wear under a few other shirts. But basically, my closet is bare! Now when I tell Josh "I have nothing to wear," there is a lot of truth to that.