Weight Loss 2.0

When I last blogged here, back in 2013, I was at the lowest in my weight I had ever been, around 175. But then life got busy, I got lazy, the excuses piled up and eventually the weight came back on. 

Last year, I went through a divorce. I quit eating and then picked up running to deal with the pain. I dropped 50 pounds in about 4 months. (It was probably a few weeks before I actually stepped on a scale, but it was 248 when I finally did. Which if I remember correctly is just about what I weighed back in 2011 when I started that weight loss journey.) Earlier this year, I saw 199.8, once or twice, on the scale, but it would only last for a day or two.

This year, I have learned, when I'm happy, I eat more and work out less. When I'm depressed, I run. I've slowly put 10 pounds on and gone back up a pant size. Yay for happiness. Boo for weight gain.

The first picture is July 2016 at my brothers wedding, a week after the ex left for another woman. 

This picture was from yesterday. I love seeing my transformation. Because of my little makeup biz, I take a selfie nearly every day. When I feel like I've made no progress, I can go through old pictures and be amazed at the changes I see. And not just in weight loss. I see a woman who has found her strength and confidence. I love seeing the woman I have become. 

Years ago, when I did my weight loss, I kept this blog. But I was ashamed of my body, so I left details out. I always regretted that. I wish I had better documented it so I could better track the results. So this time, I am going to be real. I currently weight 208.2. Even though its better than the 248 I was at last fall, its still a number I'm not happy with. I want to get back down to 175. I know I can do it, because I did it once before. 

Current weight: 208.2

Measurements:

Neck 16 in.

Upper arm - left 14 in.

Upper arm - right 13 in.

Upper chest - 44 in.

Chest/nipple - 45 in.

Diaphragm - 39 in.

Waist - 40.5 in.

Abdomen 42 in.

Butt - 47 in.

Upper thigh - left 28 in.

Upper thigh - right 28 in.

Upper knee - left 22 in.

Upper knee - right 21.5 in.

Calf - left 18.5 in.

Calf - right 18 in.

I've never been a fan of measurements. They are a hassle and I never feel like I do them correctly. But I do understand the importance of them. Last fall, there was times the scale wouldn't move, but my pants would get looser, so I started tracking my measurements and I could see a loss there, even when there wasn't one on the scale. So this time, I plan to track my measurements. (Probably once a month.)

This time, I want to make it a journey about loving myself, no matter my size and shape. God gave me this wonderful body to love and care for. When I don't take care of it, its like I'm telling Him I don't appreciate the beautiful gift of life He has given me. He and I recently had a conversation about this. I was getting a headache nearly every day. When I finally took it to prayer, He asked me, "When was the last time you drank a glass of water?" I didn't even know. I've learned I can't complain about my body and how I feel if I do nothing to take care of it. Only I can hold myself accountable for my decisions and actions. One of my favorite sayings is "Jesus in, Jesus out." It reminds me that what I feed my mind with, I return out into the world. I think the same can be said here, "garbage in, garbage out." When I treat myself badly, I feel badly. When I love myself and properly care for myself, I feel good. 

I've been half heartily exercising the last few weeks. I'm still trying to find a schedule that will fit with my job and my schooling. So my workouts may vary until I find that balance. I have a love/hate relationship with running.  I hate running, but it helped me process the pain and not do physical harm to myself during the divorce. It was my healthy outlet. It taught me I can do hard things, things I once thought were impossible. When I run for a mile straight, or 30 minutes straight, I am so proud of myself and I realize that I can do this.

Today, I declare enough is enough! Its time to get back to a healthy weight and a healthy mind set. 

Week 130

I just can't seem to get back on that weight loss wagon :p

Actually, I'm going to the dr. later this week. I just feel like my body is "off."
I get the shakes several times a week.
Sometimes I feel like my heart beat is sped up.
Either or both of those are usually accompanied by my body over heating. I'm not sure if they are hot flashes, or just something else. I've heard hot flashes are horrid, but I don't know that these are that bad, so maybe they are something else.
I feel like I'm constantly grumpy. Maybe I'm just a grumpy person, or maybe its a side effect of whatever is going on.
I'm still walking daily, eating okayish, but gaining weight. I think I should at least be holding steady.
My period is now 8 days late.
I have a constant pain in my lower back.

Yep, I'm just falling apart.

But I refuse to think it is all just a part of growing old.

Week 125

Last week was busy, so I'm just getting to this post, even though my "week" ends on Thursday. And since its the fair this weekend, I bet I post the next one late too.

Not much to report. Still at 181 (or at least that was pre-UBIS).

I'm working harder at planning meals ahead and that really seems to help. I've been trying to plan my menu on a weekly basis, but when we moved, that kind of got forgotten, so I'm getting back on top of that. And I'm also trying to plan my breakfast and lunches better.

More in a week, or two, depending on how the fair goes.

Week 124

I already covered a lot of things in my other post, but still wanted to do a weekly check in since Thursday's are my official weigh in days.

This morning, 181.2.

Yesterday was probably my worse day, or I might have done better this week. But I was just too tempted by my home made scones. But on the positive side, I did make them smaller this time. I usually make them huge so there is less to cook, but this time, I used a biscuit cutter to size them. But still, I had one with honey while they were still cooking. Then 2 with chili. Then another 1 with honey. Which, honestly, is what I always eat when I make scones. But this time they were smaller so I don't feel as bad.

I keep seesawing on the 5K run this weekend. My last excuse (well besides "I don't wanna!") was that I have no way to run with my iphone aka, my iTunes. I've been putting my phone in my back pocket, but I have to stop SEVERAL times to catch my pants from falling off. I can't run a race like that! So today, I went to 4 different places and finally found an armband that will hold my phone. I'm excited to try it out tomorrow and see how I like it.

So I'm out of excuses to avoid the 5K. Josh is doing the 8 miles run, which means I'll have about an hour to kill. I might as well do the other race to take up that time. I'm really hoping they'll let me run with Sage cause I'm taking her. I guess she will be my last excuse. If they say no to her, I won't have anyone to watch her so I'll have no choice. But I can't walk her early in the morning AND do the race. So I guess we'll see. Its Altamont, so hopefully they won't care.

I'm thinking of taking a picture in my sports bar to help me remember I'm fighting to loose the bulge around my middle.

Until next week!

A Few Things

So there is a few things I want to expand on.

1- I've told a few people I rejoined Weight Watchers and have felt like they are throwing me into the category of: lost it but didn't keep it off. I hate that. I've worked so hard to not be one of those people.

I'm only up 7 pounds. Not even a pant size; I'm still in the same size I've been wearing since my lowest point.

This is about me pushing to be my best and to loose a little more. Not super model skinny, just not quite so round in the middle. I love how I looked, most of the time. But I want to feel sexy even when I'm naked.

I know people who loose and gain and loose and gain and loose and gain. I don't want to be like that. This is a life time commitment I've made to myself. But also, I can see who that happens to people. Some days it is so HARD. I'll have an occasional shake for dinner and it tastes so good that I'll want one every night. This spring, I discovered salt & vinegar chips and I tried to make up for a lifetime of never having them.

The point is, I'm human. I can mess up. Its up to me to let it be a slight slip or a big fall off candy mountain. I love food. I love it when I need comfort. Or to celebrate. Or to just catch up with friends. I just have to work on my self discipline and control.

2- Weight Watchers screws with my relationship with food. Before, I would try to earn enough activity points to cancel out at least one (or two) of my meals. Often, I would even skip lunch so I could walk and earn more points. Or I'd eat lots and lots of fruits because they were free points, but let that be an entire meal. I never touched my weekly points.

Sorry, for those not familiar with the system. Each week you get x amount of points. I think my high end was 36, right now it is 28 (which I think is the lowest they go). This changes based on your weekly weight in. Then you also get 49 extra points each week, so you can splurge or whatever. Each week starts fresh, you can't roll over any extras. Like I said, I rarely, if ever, dipped into mine and I don't recall ever using them all up in one week. Last, you can also earn extra points by being active. I'm still logging my activity points because I like to show I'm exercising, but I'm not skipping lunch to earn even more.

This time around, I am making sure I eat all of my daily points and sticking to my regular workout (which is currently walking the dog). No trying to sneak in extra activity points. And if I reach the end of my daily points, I don't stop eating or run out and exercise for extra. Weakly points are not my enemy, they are there to catch me. I'm not using them daily, but I've tipped into them a few times. My emotional self tries to freak out, but I won't let it.

So why did I rejoin Weight Watchers if it messes with me like that. Because its a system that I believe works. Portion control is one of my BIGGEST pitfalls. This helps me keep my portions in perspective. It also helps me choose between French fries or a salad.

3- I'm also trying to remember this about creating a better me overall, not just how I look. So I'm working hard to be nicer to coworkers, keep my house in a clean fashion and get along better with family. Because lets face it, I'm not perfect, but I want to be.


4- And because I have severe OCD, I figured it out. This is week 124 since I started my weight loss journey. Which makes me feel better about the first thing I mentioned in this post. Now I can just title them with that number instead of starting over with 1.

New Start: Week 1

After seeing 183 on the scale, I decided to rejoin Weight Watchers.

Several points I want to make.

1- My lowest weight ever (well since starting my weight loss journey) was 169. But let's be honest, I was SICK that week. Once I recovered, I went back to 173.

2- My average low (that I seemed to be able to hold) was 175. But I haven't seen that number in months.

3- Seeing 180 on the scale makes me feel fat. 170 doesn't make me feel skinny, but also, not fat. This is for me personally and I know each person is different.

4- I've tried off and on to be good, but I feel like I need some kind of accountability. Curves has reopened, but I never loved the place, so for now, I've decided to not rejoin. But rumor is Zumba will be starting soon and I LOVED that. So I might see if I can just do Zumba. If not, well, I guess I'll have to decide then.

5- I've tried the free food counter/diet websites, but none of them are as good as Weight Watchers. I've heard people complain that Weight Watchers changed right around the first of the year, but so far, I can't see that many differences.

6- With a smart phone, I can take advantage of the apps! Just downloaded the WW scanner. LOVE it!

7- The only exercise I've been consistent with is walking the dog. But we do it almost daily. (I did finally tell Josh he has to take Sunday so I can have one day to sleep in.) On work days, we get up at 4 AM (so much for sleeping in after we moved). But I'd much rather do it then, then try to after work when it is so #$^$#$ hot! On days off, I'm still up by 6 AM just to avoid the heat. We sold our exercise bike when we moved, so right now, walking is about all I'm getting. But some mornings, I run half of my walk too.

8- I'm done letting PCOS be a crutch for me. Even when I started this journey, I didn't dare set a goal. I'm still not sure what my body can realistically achieve, but I do believe I can loose some more weight. It'll be hard. I feel like I'll have to work harder then I ever did before. But this is something I want for me, so I'm going to do it.

9- I'm not freaking out about gaining 10 pounds. I'm just trying to get back into it before that number goes up even more.

10- My biggest weight loss to date is 66, but right now it is only 57 pounds.

11- Right now, my goal is 160. So 20 pounds from what I saw on the scale this morning. Also, I want to loose one more pant size.

12- I'm remembering that WW made me feel almost anorexic some days. But so far, I've made sure to eat all my points every day.

I can cover more on these later, but lunch break is over and I need to get back to work. I just wanted to start a list to work on as I go.

Well, hello there

I have missed this blog. Just not enough to log on at night after work. Each week, I promise myself I will, but I never follow through with that. But I should have because I know I've had several thoughts the last few months... I just can't remember what they were now.

So quick update. No new weight loss to report on. But also, no gains either. I just keep bouncing back and forth over the same few pounds. I'm still in the mid 170's. Wish is was the 160's, but at least its not the 180's (or higher).

Its been 2 years since I started this journey. I NEVER thought I would make it this far. It was so hard and at times, I wanted to just quit. But I had made a commitment to myself and I wanted to follow through with it. And it has all paid off.

But its not easy. I still fight old habits: mindless eating, large portions, and thinking I need something sweet after dinner every night. I.LOVE.FOOD. It just doesn't always love me. Or it loves me too much and refuses to leave my hips.

I'm sure this is something I will fight the rest of my life. But I try to have the self control to stop for a minute and decide if an extra cupcake is worth it. Most importantly, I know, that if I ever lost my skinny body, I would miss that more then the food I'm missing out on now.

Right now, I am having a hard time because life just feels so stressful. Work is going through a lot of changes and those are starting to wear on me. I'm not getting along all that great with some family members and that stresses me. I feel like my social life has disappeared and that depresses me. Severely. Curves keeps going back and forth about deciding to close or stay open. That has made me loose my exercise focus. I still go every day, but its only half heartily. I feel like I can't decide what to do next until they make a decision and stick to it. When you add that all up, it just feels like so much.

The only constant I have right now is my husband is home every night. He cooks me dinner every night. Which has resulted in us trying a lot of new things. And we are not that great at adding veggies or salads to those dinners. I try to make healthier choices, like whole wheat pasta. But sometimes we find a recipe that looks out of this world, and we try it, even if it does happen to call for 2 cups of heavy cream or something else fattenings. I've had a very hard time finding a balance with dinner. I try to eat real healthy for breakfast and lunch, but then most days, those efforts are lost on dinner.

I'm ready for a change. I just need to figure out what it is. If I can get a solid feel that Curves will stay open, I'm going to upgrade to the Curves Complete. But I just keep thinking they won't renew their contract and will be shutting their doors. So then I need to find something else. I KNOW that to stop exercising is not an option for my body. EVER.

There is other gyms, but I liked that Curves was women only. And even if I could get past the issue of working out in front of men, I don't want to do it around a lot of people. The fullest I have seen Curves is 8 people. I don't want to be in the same area as 30+ people. Or even 20+. Maybe I still have too many self image issues or something. I just know that when I drive by the gym to go to Curves, the parking lot is overflowing. If I keep going somewhere to work out, it would be the same time, and I just don't want to workout in front of that many people. I just know I would buy a membership and then never use it.

And, I miss carpooling. I miss the gas money I save when carpooling. I miss having someone to chat with to help me stay alert. So if Curves closes, I think I'll just come up with a routine I can do at home. Then I can carpool again. And I won't be paying monthly fees for a gym.

I've thought about Weight Watchers again. I really do believe they have a system that provides real results. I know their system has changed, but I'm sure the basics are still the same. Maybe I should give their website another chance.

Or maybe I'll just starting walking Sage several miles a day. I thought I could do it after work, but my workouts are more consistent when I do them early mornings. Its probably warm enough now, I could start doing this. Except, just this morning, I passed a skunk as I was driving to work and remembered, I've walked before and run into those "smelly" critters.

Ugh, its just all so frustrating. But I will figure it out, because I'm worth it. I love myself more now then I ever have before and I refuse to loose that.