Week 52

I'm a day early posting, but I need to post today, so I'm going to do my weekly update too.
Monday my pants were kinda tight. Yesterday they were looser. Today, they were extremely tight. As in, way too uncomfortable and I had to dig in my closet to find the next size up. Since I have struggled so much lately, I have never gotten rid of those pants. And now I'm wearing them. How did this happen!?

So I busted out the scale that has been locked up for about 10 days (never doing that again, sorry H), 188.6. I've gained 10 pounds since my lowest point, which was on Christmas. I've battled with 5 of those pounds, but blamed all the traveling (which I'm still blaming). But now its 10 pounds I need to fight and that just makes me so mad. Basically its like I've gone from loosing 60 pounds since last year to only 50.

So I'm working on a game plan. I spent all morning asking myself what happened. I have stayed up on my exercise pretty good. A few months ago, I decided to do one of the preprogrammed thingys on my exercise bike, one that alternates the intensity. I thought it might be a better workout then just riding at the same level. But then last week, I decided to switch back and compare. By just riding at a high intestity for an hour vs. the programmed one, the bike says I burn 100 more caleries. So I am back to do that. I realize machines just guestimate those burned caleries, but with that much of a difference, I'm going to stick with that.

I'm joining Curves on Monday. I am worth the extra time and money its going to cost me. But I also need a game plan there. I don't want to be in town every night and think that makes it ok to go out to eat. But since I'll be in town every night, I want to do things, like go see my nephews, have girl's night (that don't include big dinners) and maybe go hot tub once or twice a week. I'm just going to have to be strick with myself. Last night I caved to my emotional eating and now I regret it. No more of that. There are better ways then onion rings to calm down after a bad day at work.

I haven't decided about weekend yets. I think Curves is open Monday - Saturday. We'll be back on our Monday - Thursday work schedule next week. I have learned in years past, that if I come to town on my days off, I don't get anything done at home. So I've tried to not come to town on days I don't work. But that isn't set in stone. Already, on the first Friday off, I have to come to town for a dentist appt. So I will go to Curves since I'm already in town. And we do quite a few date nights with A & J; I'm not giving those up (just going to eat better when we go out), so if we come to town on a Friday or Saturday for a date night, I'm going to go to Curves and do a work out and just tell Josh to bum around town for 30 minutes. But since I'll now be spending gas money every single day to drive myself, if I don't have to come to town, I won't. I'll just make sure to do some form of a work out at home.

My eating habits are not the best. I've gotten bad at mindlessely snacking again. No more. I hate to admit how much junk food has piled up at home and at work to tempt me. Its time to deep clean all the food and get rid of the stuff I shouldn't be eating. Then its back to a diet consisiting of lots of fruits and veggies.

Josh is working in Vernal right now, but I talked to him on the phone and he promised to be better with me. He's always supported me, but that doensn't mean he has ever changed his eating habits. And with him home so much this winter, I will admit I starting eating fatter foods and eating more. Its just been so nice to have a reason to cook and I've let myself become slack.

I have been complaining for months that I have no clothes. So a shopping spree will be my reward. No more buying clothes until I've either down 20 pounds or into a size 10. Clothes are my weakness so I think this will help me reach my goal. The cruise is 2 months away and I want new clothes for that so I need to work hard.

Here's to getting back on track, eating better and loosing some weight off this chubby bum.

Week 51

H. has been getting after me that I am addicted to weighing myself. I call it more of an obsession, but I think she is right. So I agreed to go a week without weighing myself. But then I cheated on Saturday and weighed myself before the reception. And H knowing me well asked me how I was doing, and I admitted to it. So then I felt guilty and told her I would put the scale up so that it is not so easily accessible. I did that on Sunday, after weighing myself again.

But I haven't gotten the scale out of the cupboard since. I really wanted to today, since I've made Thursday my "weigh-in" day. But H is scary (only kidding), so I didn't. I'm headed away from home, yet again, this weekend. So I really haven't decided when I'll weigh myself again. This weekend won't be eating fast food. I'm going to a scrapbook retreat and I'm pretty sure the hostest is doing home cooked meals. Hallelujah for real food! I'll see how I feel on Sunday. Maybe I'll weigh myself, or maybe I'll wait until my next official "weigh-in" day next Thursday.

My thoughts? I hate it. I hate not knowing what my weight is. I'm terrified that I'll get back on the scale in 1-2 weeks and will have gained weight. Then I worry that because I gain weight, I will get mad at myself and go back to eating very little. Which will result in H being mad at me again. I trust H, she has admitted to having eating problems before. So when she expresses concern, I try to listen. Sometimes it just takes me a long while before I listen.

I am so glad to have all the wedding stuff over with. I think between the stress, traveling and eating out, I'm just lucky to have not gained weight. I'm bummed I haven't lost any weight since Christmas, but at least I haven't put any back on.

I feel like my stomach is all screwed up.

K, I kept getting busy and decided to just save this post and come back later. But now I'm having a hard time remembering all of my thoughts, so sorry if this post suddenly gets repetitive or kind of random.

Stomach... Yes, if feels all messed up. I try to eat healthy during the week, but then on the weekends when we travel, its been fast food. All of this just seems to cause a war in my stomach. Fast food does not go easily in my belly anymore. But then come the new week, my belly has a hard time adjusting back. But with all the traveling done I think I can get back on track. I started up with my breakfast smoothies again. I haven't done those in forever. I'm hoping they'll help clean my belly up and get it used to good food. I'm also hoping it will help curb my appetite. I know breakfast is important, but I've never been a big breakfast person But honestly, on days I have my smoothie, I know it helps. I'm not starving an hour before my lunch and that is nice.

A gal I know went on the HCG diet. I really don't know if she has stuck to it, I don't think she has. But the other day she got a shirt in a size SMALL. No wonder my perception can get so screwed up. I wanted to ask why she thinks she needs to diet. But really, I do have a hard time seeing it. I didn't think she needed to diet when she started. Another person, when they told me they were going to diet, I thought ,"but you are at the size I'm striving for!" I didn't see her as overweight, but really, she has lost weight and she looks good.

The never ending battle in my head of whether to join Curves or not.... I wish I could choose a side of the fence.  I was all set. Come my payday in March, I was going to join. I even told my car pool buddy. Then the next day I heard, from a few different people, that gas is supposed to hit $5 a gallon this summer. YIKES! That put me right back on the fence. Maybe I could join just until the cruise?

We are talking about moving closer to town, but that is still months down the road and I don't want to wait until then. I keep telling myself that I'm worth it. And I know I am. But then other financial obligations come up and they seem more important. So maybe I should wait until after the cruise? Josh's employer keeps talking about putting him on salary, I wish they would so I could get a better feel for our budget.

Overall, I'm not sure how I feel about this week. I feel like I have more down days then positive days. I ended up not liking the first reception dress I bought. I felt like a fat purple grape in it. So then I bought the second outfit. So funny there. I started this weight loss and one of the BIG reasons was I knew Dallon would marry Natalie. I wasn't sure when, but I wanted to look good. In the end, their engagement was only like 6 weeks, I'm so glad I didn't wait! The wedding and the first reception, we didn't know many people there. So those people had no idea how far I've come. But the last reception, I was ready to show off. I was excited to have people tell me how good I look. With my new hair do and the 60 less pounds, I know I look amazing.

Before the reception even officially started, I left to be with my sister in the ER with her little boy. And I would do it again because I was so worried about my nephew that I needed to be there for my own comfort. But at the end of the night, I realized, I didn't get to hear all those compliments. :( I was kind of bummed about it. I also didn't get to really wear that outfit yet. Its a lace top that I wear over a black shirt. And then I bought a black skirt to wear with it. I guess I need to wear the lace top and get a picture. While I was on the phone with my mom and sister, Josh did have a relative tell me I look good, but then she saw me on the phone and left before I could tell her how much I had lost or how I had did it. Cause she started the convo with "You look amazing. What have you been doing?" Then she saw me on the phone. Then I left, so I never got to talk with her. But I guess she made a point to track down Josh and tell him just how good I look. He said she made a big deal about it, so that made my day.

Ok enough rambling for now. Here's too a new week and hopefully loosing a little more weight.

Week 50

I seriously thought about not getting on the scale today.  I don't think I've been on it all week. But then I knew I wouldn't do my weekly update. So then I decided if I did want to update. I am so frustrated right now. I haven't lost any weight since Christmas. I just keep putting on the same 5 pounds, but now I've been stuck on that for a while too. I don't even feel like I can tell people I've lost 60 pounds, because I haven't ever been that low again. So technically, I've only lost 56, but that just makes me mad.

This wedding stuff has stressed me out so much. I've been trying to deal with infertility issues and its really getting to me. I think I have fallen back into comfort food, that I don't need. But I just keep getting worse. I find myself hungry all.the.time. And I'm getting sick of it. What has happened to me? I was doing so good.

Each night I promise to do better tomorrow. Each morning I start out with good intentions. But then I see someone has brought treats to work, and I have one or sometimes two. Then I pig out and lunch. Then have another treat. Then pig out at dinner. I was NOT going to do this!

I'm really thinking about joining Curves. I WANT to join Curves. I just don't want to have to drive myself to work every.single.day. But if I join, I will go every night, so I will have to drive myself. Right now, I just can't commit financially to that. I can afford the Curves fee, but I can't afford to fill my tank every other day. So I'll reevaluate things in March and see if it can be an option then.

I just need to refocus. Get through this busy month and then restart. I can do this. I want to loose 20 more pounds, I want to weigh in the 150-160's. That is my goal. I can do this.

Week 49

I have come to terms that I'm just not going to loose any weight with all this wedding craziness. There is just too much traveling and too much eating out. Right now, I just feel like I'm in survival mode.

Right now, my goal is to be down at least one more pant size before the cruise in May. Hopefully if I shoot low, I'll be able to actually go down 2 sizes. (That would be SWEET!)

So ya, that's it for this week. Not going to complain about the days I feel fat. Just going to celebrate that I bought some new clothes yesterday. I love them, but more importantly I love not shopping in the fat section.

Week 48

The disappointment just continues. At my heaviest this week, I was at 186, but I managed to get back down to 181. I don't know what it is, but the 180's make me feel fat. When I weigh in at 179 it doesn't bother me, but 181 makes me want to cry, even though its only a 2 pound difference.

I'm seriously thinking about rejoining Weight Watchers. I know that last pounds can be the hardest to loose, maybe I need some extra help. But I really didn't like their website and I love being able to tell people how I have done most of this journey on my own. I've had the same person ask me on FB three times what I've been doing. I keep telling her the same thing: eating better, eating less and lots of exercise. I sometimes wonder what she hopes I'll say. There is no magic pill... I think. Mostly, its just about controlling what you eat and being active.

So the no magic pill things. Ug, there is another source of frustration. Another FB friend keeps posting her weight loss and I swear it is falling off of her. It took me months to loose what she has lost in just the last few weeks. And she is being secretative about it. I haven't asked what she's doing, but when people do, she emails them privately. I'm really trying to not let it bother me. If she is doing a magic pill kind of thing, then most likely its just a temporary fix. The last 10 months has been long and hard, but I really feel that I have been able to form new habits which will make this a lifetime change, not just a quick fix.

At work, they have a contest where we keep track of our daily activity on a calender. We set our own goals and if we stick to it, then we turn the calendar in and go into a drawing for a little prize money. The goal can be what ever you want, but if you get over 20 hours a month, I think you get an extra tickets for the end of the year big prize. I'm not loosing weight to win the contest, but it does make a nice bonus to try and win money. So I faithfully fill my calendar out every day. Last month, my goal was 30 minutes a day, but most days I did at least 90 minutes or 2 hours. But I like the 30 minutes because on lazy days I still feel the pressure to at least walk on my two 15 minute breaks. Yesterday I turned my calendar in; I had 47-1/2 hours last month. I was 30 minutes short of saying I worked out for a total of 2 days last month.

And yet January was a hard month cause I keep slipping back up into those @#$#@%$ 180's. Another downer happened yesterday. I'm trying to get out of my exercise rut, I think my body is too used to me just riding my exercise bike and walking on breaks. So I put in my Wii Fit that I haven't used in months. Like months and months. It keeps track of your weight and I had lost 20+ pounds since I last used it. But the downer was it says I'm still in the obese range. Seriously!? Sure, the needle has moved from the top of that category to the bottom of it, but still? So I've decided the Wii is stupid and doesn't know anything. I suddenly can't remember the entire scale, but I know the next step down is overweight, which is what I think I should be in, not obese. 

So since I was feeling discouraged this morning, I thought I would take a picture and then find one to compare it to from a year ago. Ug, I was such a fattie! Which means when people tell me how good I am looking these days, I need to silence the voice in my head and agree with them. Not think about how much further I want to go. Just remember how far I have come.

I hate my fattie pictures. But I need a visual reminder.

Not sure if I should even include this picture because I am sucking in my stomach so hard. :p And my mirror is covered in hairspray.

So next time I want to cry over my weight loss slowing down so drastically, I'll just remember how far I have come. I really am a whole new person it feels like. And on a side note, this is the hairstyle I have loved the MOSTEST out of any hairstyles I've ever had before.