Week 51

H. has been getting after me that I am addicted to weighing myself. I call it more of an obsession, but I think she is right. So I agreed to go a week without weighing myself. But then I cheated on Saturday and weighed myself before the reception. And H knowing me well asked me how I was doing, and I admitted to it. So then I felt guilty and told her I would put the scale up so that it is not so easily accessible. I did that on Sunday, after weighing myself again.

But I haven't gotten the scale out of the cupboard since. I really wanted to today, since I've made Thursday my "weigh-in" day. But H is scary (only kidding), so I didn't. I'm headed away from home, yet again, this weekend. So I really haven't decided when I'll weigh myself again. This weekend won't be eating fast food. I'm going to a scrapbook retreat and I'm pretty sure the hostest is doing home cooked meals. Hallelujah for real food! I'll see how I feel on Sunday. Maybe I'll weigh myself, or maybe I'll wait until my next official "weigh-in" day next Thursday.

My thoughts? I hate it. I hate not knowing what my weight is. I'm terrified that I'll get back on the scale in 1-2 weeks and will have gained weight. Then I worry that because I gain weight, I will get mad at myself and go back to eating very little. Which will result in H being mad at me again. I trust H, she has admitted to having eating problems before. So when she expresses concern, I try to listen. Sometimes it just takes me a long while before I listen.

I am so glad to have all the wedding stuff over with. I think between the stress, traveling and eating out, I'm just lucky to have not gained weight. I'm bummed I haven't lost any weight since Christmas, but at least I haven't put any back on.

I feel like my stomach is all screwed up.

K, I kept getting busy and decided to just save this post and come back later. But now I'm having a hard time remembering all of my thoughts, so sorry if this post suddenly gets repetitive or kind of random.

Stomach... Yes, if feels all messed up. I try to eat healthy during the week, but then on the weekends when we travel, its been fast food. All of this just seems to cause a war in my stomach. Fast food does not go easily in my belly anymore. But then come the new week, my belly has a hard time adjusting back. But with all the traveling done I think I can get back on track. I started up with my breakfast smoothies again. I haven't done those in forever. I'm hoping they'll help clean my belly up and get it used to good food. I'm also hoping it will help curb my appetite. I know breakfast is important, but I've never been a big breakfast person But honestly, on days I have my smoothie, I know it helps. I'm not starving an hour before my lunch and that is nice.

A gal I know went on the HCG diet. I really don't know if she has stuck to it, I don't think she has. But the other day she got a shirt in a size SMALL. No wonder my perception can get so screwed up. I wanted to ask why she thinks she needs to diet. But really, I do have a hard time seeing it. I didn't think she needed to diet when she started. Another person, when they told me they were going to diet, I thought ,"but you are at the size I'm striving for!" I didn't see her as overweight, but really, she has lost weight and she looks good.

The never ending battle in my head of whether to join Curves or not.... I wish I could choose a side of the fence.  I was all set. Come my payday in March, I was going to join. I even told my car pool buddy. Then the next day I heard, from a few different people, that gas is supposed to hit $5 a gallon this summer. YIKES! That put me right back on the fence. Maybe I could join just until the cruise?

We are talking about moving closer to town, but that is still months down the road and I don't want to wait until then. I keep telling myself that I'm worth it. And I know I am. But then other financial obligations come up and they seem more important. So maybe I should wait until after the cruise? Josh's employer keeps talking about putting him on salary, I wish they would so I could get a better feel for our budget.

Overall, I'm not sure how I feel about this week. I feel like I have more down days then positive days. I ended up not liking the first reception dress I bought. I felt like a fat purple grape in it. So then I bought the second outfit. So funny there. I started this weight loss and one of the BIG reasons was I knew Dallon would marry Natalie. I wasn't sure when, but I wanted to look good. In the end, their engagement was only like 6 weeks, I'm so glad I didn't wait! The wedding and the first reception, we didn't know many people there. So those people had no idea how far I've come. But the last reception, I was ready to show off. I was excited to have people tell me how good I look. With my new hair do and the 60 less pounds, I know I look amazing.

Before the reception even officially started, I left to be with my sister in the ER with her little boy. And I would do it again because I was so worried about my nephew that I needed to be there for my own comfort. But at the end of the night, I realized, I didn't get to hear all those compliments. :( I was kind of bummed about it. I also didn't get to really wear that outfit yet. Its a lace top that I wear over a black shirt. And then I bought a black skirt to wear with it. I guess I need to wear the lace top and get a picture. While I was on the phone with my mom and sister, Josh did have a relative tell me I look good, but then she saw me on the phone and left before I could tell her how much I had lost or how I had did it. Cause she started the convo with "You look amazing. What have you been doing?" Then she saw me on the phone. Then I left, so I never got to talk with her. But I guess she made a point to track down Josh and tell him just how good I look. He said she made a big deal about it, so that made my day.

Ok enough rambling for now. Here's too a new week and hopefully loosing a little more weight.