Week 41

I sat in the bathroom and cried yesterday, that is how well things are right now.

I am so @#%#%^^&@# tired of this stupid period and my stupid PCOS. I talked to my doctor on Wednesday and we're trying a new birth control pill that will "hopefully" kick in over the next few days.

Yesterday I weighed 189. Again.

This morning the alarm went off at 5 and I reset it for 6. When Josh asked why, I told him "what's the point?" Nothing is working right now. It doesn't matter what I eat or how long I exercise, nothing works.

In the end, I did get up after just a few minutes. And I went the furthest on my bike I have ever gone in 1 hour (just over 14 miles). And this morning I only weight 184, so I felt better about that.

I was so stoked to actually loose weight during the holidays. I wanted to be an example to people that it is possible. I have shown so much self control at work. EACH day the break room table has been laden with goodies and sugary treats. And almost every day I've been able to not touch anything. I think there has only been 3 days where I decided to indulge in a small taste. Almost every single day since Thanksgiving I have ridden my bike in the mornings and then made sure to still walk on my work breaks.

I feel like I'm working my butt off, but Thanksgiving is still the lowest weight I've ever been at. I want out of the 180's so bad that I'm now reduced to tears in bathroom stalls at work. (I think I'll just blame that on the hormone's being out of whack. Cause they have been horrid some days.)

I have found a new pleasure, but I can't decide if its a good thing or not. Josh wanted a coffee machine and I let him get one. I tried his coffee (straight black) and it is disgusting! So I bought me my own kind. Its a skinny latte, fat free caramal flavor. Only 100 caleries. (Cracks me up how you can get about just anything in 100 caleries now.) I did some reading online and I couldn't find anything that said coffee causes weight gain. Some websites try to say it will help with weight loss by boosting your motablism. So I decided why not, I'll give it a try. Now I'm hooked. Not sure if it does help with the motablism, but I like how it gets me going in the morning. And even though I don't like Josh's coffee, I've really come to enjoy the smell of it in the morning.

I was finally to the point where I loved MY body. I know,  I know. You shouldn't love yourself because you are skinny, blah blah blah. Love who your are. But after working for so many months, I was finally getting comfortable with how I looked. I started wearing makeup EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I have NEVER done that before in my life. I was finally feeling pretty.

But aunt flow makes me hate my body. I feel bloated and icky and ugly. I NEED my body to get back to normal. I can't keep doing this.